(I’m stealing this from the Church Growth Blog.)

We, the deacons of your church, have listed the top ten
criticisms we have received and have decided upon the following
solutions for these complaints:

1. “I want more depth in the
sermons”: For all sermons we will read the Hebrew and Greek
manuscripts, therefore everyone in the congregation will be required to
take Hebrew and Greek classes. Since these languages require constant
study and usage, each member will be required to take these classes
until they die.

2. “Nobody noticed when I was gone for three
weeks”: From now on, each member of the congregation will be required
to have placed on their ankle a tracking device so that we will know
where they are at all times, including when they are at the lake, at
the golf course, hunting, etc. Also, each member will be required to
bring a doctor’s note stating that the member was actually sick and had
an excuse for being out of church. The church will also start to use
the phone tree system to give everyone a wake-up call on Sunday
mornings so that they can get to church on time.

3. “Nobody
cares about how I feel”: From now on, we will have a
psychiatrist/psychologist/Christian counselor (the member will choose)
available on Sunday mornings to help each member understand more about
their feeling that no one cares about them. In addition, each member
will be required to start caring for others in the congregation.

“I don’t know everybody anymore”: From now on each member of the
congregation will be required to memorize the names and faces of each
member of the congregation, including each new member that joins
hereafter. Also, each member will be required wear a photo i.d. for
identification purposes.

5. “The choir doesn’t sing my kind
of music”: From now on, there will be no more choir or congregational
singing but each seat in the sanctuary will be equipped with an IPOD
and headphones to listen to your favorite type of Christian music
during the worship service.

6. “We shouldn’t let those kinds
of people into the church”: Beginning next week, each member will be
required to have an “extreme makeover” so that everyone will look the
same. Said makeover cost will be the responsibility of each member.

“All the church talks about is for me to give more money”: Beginning
immediately, there will be no more offerings taken up during the
worship services and each member will be required to tithe ten percent
of their income by enrolling in a payroll deduction plan from their
place of employment or enrolling in an automatic draft of their tithe
from their bank. This way we will not have to ask for money again.

“The preacher talks too much about sacrifice”: Beginning next week,
each member of the congregation will be required to play on a church
softball team and advance at least one runner per game to another base
by sacrifice bunt or a sacrifice fly so that each person can say they
sacrificed something during the week.

9. “The worship
services are boring”: Beginning next Sunday, the baptismal pool will
have a wave machine installed to make the baptisms more fun. Also,
Barnum and Bailey Circus will provide us with clowns to perform during
the welcome time and the Harlem Globetrotters will provide us with a
demonstration of their basketball skills during the invitation.

“The church is not going in the right direction”: Beginning next
Sunday, we will no longer have a pastor to preach and lead the church
but instead each member of the congregation will be required to go
before the church and “share” their feelings about which direction the
church ought to going. This should work out extremely well because so
many in the congregation seem to know which direction we ought to be
going because they have suddenly become experts in the field of church
growth and church vision.

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